Survivor’s Guilt 2: Moving On

Why is it that we feel guilty when we allow ourselves to grow beyond our family, friends or anyone that we feel bonded to? Why do we feel it is the ultimate act of betrayal to move on? Why do we use guilt to keep us imprisoned in the past?

In my family, we lived through a war together and we survived. Really? Can you call what we did real survival? Yea, but survive is all we did. I have four sisters, they are true survivors. I wish so much more for them.

We were hypnotized to believe that we were less than, that we were cursed, that we would never be or do anything important. We were hypnotized to believe that survival was the best we could hope for. We ALL bought those lies. Then, we sought out evidence to prove that those lies were true. Even though we all often had plenty of proof from time to time that they were not.

We do not see what we look at, rather we see what we look for.

When I began to look for evidence that the lies were indeed lies. I started to see little successes in my life and to believe in some small degree of hope that maybe I could rise above the lies. I would have little periods of success. Whether it be in a relationship, financially, emotionally, or socially, the thought of leaving my family behind in any of those areas and the guilt that followed always brought me back down. Guilt-driven self-destruction was my friend, it kept me bound to the lies but it also kept me tied to my family.

In my searching for meaning and my desire to heal, I learned how far the depth that lies can go. I learned the power they can have over us and even with that knowledge I still surrendered to them. Whenever I thought I was going too far or doing too well, I sought out and created evidence that the lies were true.

Training the Projector 

I truly believe today that we often are intensely committed to believing we are right. Therefore, we seek for reasons to indicate that we are right. I also believe that the mind is like a movie projector and what we see ‘out there’ happens within us first.

I have had to learn to be vigilant for what I choose to project. I have to be determined to pay attention to what it is that I am thinking. “What we think, we create.”

If you want to change your life, you must change your mind about your life.

I lived most of my life convinced I was a victim, first to God, then my dad, society, and any and every one. I totally believed that I had no power with regard to what was happening to me. That no matter what I did, I would always, always lose.

But I learned that I had to take responsibility. I had to become empowered. I had to change the story. I had to make a decision and then commit to the follow through.

A decision is not a decision until an action has been taken.

I had to make choices to change and it started with changing the way I thought.